Oh! My story? Alright. Since I should be doing about 10 other critical tasks right now, this is what I will choose to do instead because....well, y'know.
I grew up in Colorado, which is a hot spot for wolf spiders. They are like small skinny tarantulas if you don't know them. The biggest ones I've seen are about two inches or so across. (Huge if you're used to just the average spider.)
One day I went into my room and opened my closet door and there was a wolf spider (I imagined him sitting for some reason, because he seemed like he was owning his space) in the middle of the closet floor. We locked eyes for a while, kind of like an Eastwoodian standoff. He didn't move at all.
I thought he was too big to squash and if I tried to reach for him he might attack me, and if I went to go get a paper towel or something he might hide and then kill me in my sleep. But after going through the options I figured I had to turn away at least for a minute, so I backed away slowly, ran to get a can of Raid--oh yeah, you're going down mofo.
He hadn't moved, so I sprayed him right in the face like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. But to my surprise and terror, he didn't shrivel up or try to run--he stood up on the tips of his feet and started walking towards me! His legs reached up in the air as he staggered forward, [saying] "Right! I'll do you for that! You don't know ME, fool!" I sprayed him again once I got over my paralyzing shock, and he took a few more steps, wobbled, and then keeled over onto his back.
These are the thugs of spiderdom, I am convinced.